Humor

Area Man Rooting for Both the Mets and the Cubs During NLCS

ARLINGTON, VA —Virginia resident Andy Perreira is reportedly rooting for both the New York Mets and the Chicago Cubs in the National League Championship Series, and experiencing lots of emotional conflict as a result.

“I like the Mets; they’re my second-favorite team, after the Red Sox,” Perreira said when asked why he wants to see the Mets win.

“But I feel sorry for the Cubs and their fans, and I want them to experience the greatness of finally winning a championship like the Red Sox fans did in 2004 when they broke their curse,” he added.

During NLCS game 4 on Wednesday October 21, friends and family witnessed Perreira wearing a Mets T-shirt while discussing feeling depressed as the Mets took the lead.

“It was really contradictory,” said longtime friend Donald Cosby.

Perreira’s wife Anna feels differently. “I love how empathetic he is to both sides,” she said, adding that she and Perreira’s friends will be sure to be there for him during this confusing time.

One-Liner Wednesday: What?!

“This is certainly nice publish, I’m going to shaire the idea for our frinds.”

–comment recently left for me very randomly on an old post of mine, caught by the WordPress spam filter. I appreciate the “compliment,” but WordPress is clearly right about this kind of comment!

Note: this post was created as part of LindaGHill’s One-Liner Wednesday. The criteria is for the one-liner to be funny or motivational. In the past, I’ve usually gone with motivational, but this time I had to go with funny when I saw this as I did a long-overdue purge of pending comments…hope you enjoyed it. I figured many of my fellow bloggers would be able to relate to this kind of amusing“comment!” 🙂

My Two Cents on “Dress Code” Rules During Royal Visit

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In November, it was announced that Prince William and his wife Kate will be visiting the United States, specifically New York City and Washington, D.C., in early December.

The news about this visit also specified that any media professionals covering the royal event need to adhere to a “dress code” set by Buckingham Palace. If they do not, they will not be allowed in to report on the events.

Here are the rules directly from the official website of the British Monarchy:

Attire for journalists covering Royal engagements

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family.

Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

I have some thoughts on this.

Let’s start with the “technicians” part.

How can even the technicians be required to follow these guidelines?  They stand on their feet most of the day and have to handle bulky cameras and other heavy equipment; would sneakers (aka trainers) really be that big of a deal? Especially if they’re the kind of conservative sneakers that are more like shoes, and are in good condition, as opposed to bright neon ones or ratty old gym sneakers? Would that really just ruin the event?

Secondly, and possibly even more importantly, how can people be required to adhere to these rules not only in the UK, but abroad?

That would be like me going to a party at someone else’s house but telling the host what I think they should wear. All the manners books in the world would tell me that I was being rude if I did that; if I’m not the host, I don’t get to dictate things like that. So how come that basic etiquette doesn’t apply here?

To be clear, I do understand the merits of dressing your best on the job, especially for a noteworthy event like this. I also agree with showing basic respect; I’m not saying it would be right to roll up in ripped sweatpants and a stained shirt, whether you’re interacting with royals or anyone else.

I can even understand media outlets telling their staff members to dress their best, so that their companies are represented well in front of such famous public figures.

I get all that.

But there’s something about Buckingham Palace mandating this dress code that bothers me. It seems so out of line. The technician clause seems especially unnecessary and uppity to me; I think that’s what set me off, actually.

For the record, I don’t even dislike Prince William or Kate; I’m not a follower of royal events either. This just stood out to me as not right as soon as I heard it.

In fact, the adverse side of me wants to see someone manage to violate this dress code.

I have fun picturing someone coming in seemingly appropriately dressed, being cleared to enter, and then somehow being able to quickly take off that proper outer layer of clothes — only to reveal jeans and a simple shirt underneath.

The horror!

This topic came up when I was speaking with family over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and it turned out it’s not just me who found this dress code to be a bit much. In fact, my mother thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if a well-known person or dignitary of some sort were to show up and – gasp! – be in violation of the dress code.

Let’s say it was President Obama, but he had jeans and a blazer on. Wouldn’t he have to be let in anyway?

That concept made me laugh as soon as she said it! She’s so right; it would have to involve a high-standing figure for this scenario to play out this way. And I would love it if someone too prominent to turn away did something like this, just to mess with the royals…although most public figures wouldn’t want to do that. Still, it’s fun to think about…and that’s my two cents on the royals and their “dress code” on our turf!

Note: This post was written as part of LindaGHill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday. This week’s prompt was: “‘sense/scents/cents,’ with a bonus word this week – ‘sent.’ Choose one, use them all or simply write whatever comes to mind- it’s up to you!” I went with sharing my two cents on this recent news story that we were just discussing over the holiday weekend!

Area Family Disqualified from Family Feud for Feuding

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Oct. 20, 2014

LONG BEACH, CA — The Garcia family from Long Beach, California has been disqualified from long-running game show Family Feud due to excessive feuding between relatives.

The disqualification occurred during an in-person audition for the show on Saturday, October 18 in Los Angeles. Members of the Garcia family say they were not given a fair chance.

“All that happened was a few of us disagreed over the answers we wanted to give to the question, and the show’s staff cut us off right away and thanked us for coming, but said we would not be appearing on the show. I demanded to know why the hell not, but they wouldn’t tell me,” said Ronald Garcia, 42.

Fellow auditioning relative Evelyn Garcia, 38, said she feels that the disqualification is likely due to her brother-in-law Robert. “I blame Bobby. We had to name a gift wives would love to receive from their husbands and when it was his turn, he said home appliances. My sister hates when he gives her stuff like that, and he knows it. So I told him off right then, hoping he could give a better answer instead, but he refused. That’s when I noticed the show’s staff looking at us with weird looks on their faces,” she said.

Robert Garcia, 39, disagrees, saying he was not at fault. “I told Evelyn to shut up, that she didn’t know what she was talking about and should mind her business with our marriage and my answer to the damn question. If anything, I blame our disqualification on my wife, who started crying when I said that, as usual,” he said.

A member of the show’s casting team, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the Garcia family’s fighting was too intense for the daytime show’s upbeat environment. “We’re looking for fun families who get along well with each other, and this family wasn’t that. They were just too heated and it distracted from the gameplay itself. They’d be a better match for an intervention type of show. I know our show is called Family Feud, but that’s supposed to refer to an entertaining battle between two families competing against each other on the show. We’re not looking to showcase actual feuding within families.”

The Garcia family plans to audition for other game shows in the near future on an individual basis, but cannot agree on which ones.

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Note: This is another “fake” news story I was inspired to write after recently hearing a true story about a family not being picked for the show a few years back. So, then I ran with the idea and let my imagination have some fun with it; I’ve been getting a kick out of writing these! You can read others I’ve written, here, here, and here. 🙂

Local Resident Insists on Commenting on Neighbors’ Comings and Goings

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Oct. 7, 2014

BROOKLYN, NY — Park Slope residents in one rental complex have filed a complaint with their landlord about neighbor Mary Farnsworth. According to the complaint, Farnsworth “repeatedly engages in nosy behavior with everyone in the building, invading our privacy at every turn.”

Complex residents state that Farnsworth began prying into their personal lives soon after she moved in three years ago.

“The first time I met her, I got on the elevator with her on my way home from the supermarket. Right away I saw this lady eyeing my bags and looking at me, like she was eager to talk. I was tired, though, so I avoided eye contact,” said Gloria Perry. “But it didn’t work. She asked me, ‘Oh, you were getting groceries?’ in this nosy way. I felt like saying back, ‘No, I just enjoy carrying food around in bags,’ but thought better of it and just said yes. She’s always been like that, and it’s annoying,” Perry recalled.

Other tenants agree, saying they’ve faced similar inquiries. “It’s weird she has to comment on the most mundane things and point out the obvious. Like the other day, she saw me heading to the laundry room with my laundry basket full of clothing, yet she actually asked me if I was going to do my wash. I mean, really, what’s the point of an inane question like that?” said neighbor Lucy Chu, adding that she often tries to avoid Farnsworth whenever possible. “I avoid going anywhere I hear her or see her, if I can,” said Chu.

One neighbor, Steve Ferrer, said Farnsworth has even gone so far as to give him unsolicited advice. “The other day in the lobby she saw me coming in with a pizza from the place down the block. She said I should go to the one three blocks over instead; she said she likes the pizza there better. I told her I’d had their food and didn’t like it as much, but she just kept saying, ‘Go there, you’ll love it.’ It was like she wasn’t even hearing me,” said Ferrer.

There was no response from building management as to what can be done about the complaint against Farnsworth.

Fellow resident Thomas Jeffries said he is worried nothing will change. “I mean, I agree with the complaint, but really, what can they do? She’s not breaking any policies or laws. So when you have an annoying neighbor like that, you’re pretty much on your own,” he said with a sigh.

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Note: This is not a real news story; it’s another fake news story I came up with, although it was inspired by real events…if you like fake (and hopefully funny) news stories like this one, you can read a few others I’ve written, here and here. 🙂

Commuters Complain about Curious Cabdriver

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Sept. 27, 2014

BRONX, NY — Multiple Bronx residents are banding together to protest the intrusiveness of an overly curious cabdriver who works for 123 Livery Service on Burnside Avenue.

“I called them for a taxi a couple of weeks ago and as soon as I got in, the driver wouldn’t stop asking me questions,” said Morris Heights resident Susie Atkinson. “I could tell he was harmless and just trying to make conversation, but it was still annoying. He asked if the address I was going to was where I worked, what I did for a living, stuff like that. It was non-stop,” Atkinson said.

Another local resident, Gordon Martin, said he has gotten the same cabdriver using 123 Livery Service and was subjected to a similar barrage of personal questions. “I called for a ride home from a friend’s place one night and he didn’t stop talking the whole way,” Martin recalled. “I didn’t think much of it until he started asking if I lived in the area and was heading home and if so, how much was my rent there? I found that way weird. He was polite and just seemed genuinely interested but I didn’t feel like telling him that, so I lied. I told him I was staying with a friend and had no idea,” said Martin.

Other 123 Livery Service customers report that the driver, known so far only as “George,” also enjoys asking riders about their musical tastes, ethnicity, and opinions on the Cross Bronx Expressway’s traffic problems. In addition, he has been known to ask passengers who ride in pairs or groups if they are related to one another.

“What he’ll ask is really random, but he always throws in some personal questions. It’s like he doesn’t know where the line is or when to stop talking,” said one passenger who refused to be identified for fear of retaliation. “It’s not that I think he’s dangerous or anything, but I do need to use the car service a lot and don’t want to be told no cars are available when I call, or be kept waiting. They do that if you piss them off, you know,” explained the passenger.

A petition is currently circulating within the neighborhood asking that Driver George refrain from asking his passengers so many questions. Customers plan to turn the petition over to 123 Livery Service once they’ve collected 100 signatures.

Management for 123 Livery Service could not be reached for comment.

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NoteThis article is another fake news article I decided to write after I enjoyed writing this piece. I was inspired to write this one after taking yet another cab with an overly inquisitive driver — so I guess you could say it’s based on a true story since this has happened to me, and many other people I know, quite a lot over the years. 🙂

Local Parent Faces Backlash for Notifying Young Son of Upcoming Divorce Via Text

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Sept. 23, 2014

POMONA, NY — Area resident Linda Wilson is facing criticism for notifying her 8-year-old son Michael of her upcoming divorce from his father via a text message.

“When I read that text, I couldn’t believe it. Her son was right there on the message! That’s just so wrong,” said Maria Cooper, a close friend of Wilson’s who received the message. “I wrote about it on Facebook and before I knew it, everyone was agreeing with me and telling her the same thing,” Cooper said.

Despite the criticism she received, Wilson says she sees nothing wrong with the message she sent on Saturday, September 13 to close friends and family.

“There were so many people I had to tell, it just made sense to do it with a group message. And I didn’t feel right leaving my son out of that,” Wilson told reporters. “Maybe if he’d been home I would have told him directly, but he was at his friend’s house. I had no choice,” she said, adding that she worded the text very carefully. “You can see for yourself; heck, you can put it in the paper for all I care! I did nothing wrong,” Wilson said, granting permission for the text to be reprinted in its entirety.

The message read: “I have some news 4 u all. Me & Joseph — of course that’s ‘Dad’ 2 u, Mikey! — aren’t going 2 stay married. We’re getting a divorce as soon as possible. Sorry 2 text this. I wanted u all 2 know as soon as we decided, but it’s hard 4 us to talk about right now. Writing it is easier. Thanks 4 understanding. Luv u all!”

Wilson says her son was dropped off at her home about an hour later by his friend Aaron’s mother. “The minute she got to the house with him, she lit into me. It was totally uncalled for,” Wilson recalled. “She said Michael had been so upset when he read my text that he couldn’t talk at first. She asked to see what had upset him and he handed her his phone. She said I shouldn’t have done that, but who is she to say that? My son deserved to be part of the message I was sending, plus he loves texting,” Wilson said.

“Besides, I said right there in the text that this was hard for me to talk about! He should understand that,” Wilson added.

Calls to Wilson’s soon-to-be ex-husband were not returned as of press time. Son Michael also declined to comment.

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Note: This is not a real article, as you probably guessed! I wrote it after a friend and I were texting about how parents should and should not break the news to their kids about a divorce. Towards the end of our exchange, I joked that one way parents surely should NOT do so is via a text. We found this ludicrous idea funny and thought it could make a great article for the Onion, similar to pieces like this recent one. My friend said I should write this up and pitch it to them, but they don’t accept freelance submissions. But you know what? There’s no reason I can’t write some spoof articles for my blog; they don’t own the concept of fake, humorous news, AMIRITE?! 🙂 So, hope you enjoyed this!